A 75-year-old man went to see his doctor to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a capped jar and said,
'Take this home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.'

The next day, the 75-year-old man turns up at the doctor’s clinic and gives him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained:

'Well doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but again, nothing happened. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing happened. Then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out and still nothing. Would you believe, we even asked the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but still, nothing!'

The doctor was shocked: 'You asked your neighbour?!!'

The old man said: 'Yup, but no matter how we tried,
we couldn’t get the bloomin’ jar open!'

why is there no work in newfoundland ?
































the works all done bye !

NINE MONTHS LATER
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's Minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a
great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack received a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow woman that let us sleep in her barn on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

*"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

a man was golfing and hit his ball into the woods, as he was looking for his ball a little angel popped into the picture and asked him how much he liked the game. the man said i love the game but i am a terrible golfer and would like to be a better one. the angel said i can help you be better but your love life will suffer and the man said who cares i would like to be a better golfer.
so then he went on winning tours and championships in the golf world. then one day he hit the ball into the woods again, he thought this seems to familiar and then the angel appeared. the angel asked how has your game been ? the man answered "fantastic" and went on tooting his horn about his accomplishments. the angel stopped him and asked how his love life had been during his glorious days of golf. the man answered oh once or twice a week. the angel said see i told you your love life would suffer and the man answered yes but it's not bad for a preist in a small town.

Three Buttons

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.
After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.

Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!"
George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan??" http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif

Dear Taliban

Dear Taliban, Mr. bin Laden, Mr. Arafat, and Mr, Hussein, et al:

We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your challenge to an old fashioned game of Whoop-###. Now that we understand the rule that there are no rules, we look forward to playing without them for the first time. Since this game is winner- take-all, we unfortunately will be unable to invite you to join us at the victory celebration. But rest assured that we will toast you -- LITERALLY.

While we will admit that you are off to an impresive lead, it is, however, now our turn at the plate. By the way, we will be playing on your diamond now... Batter up!

Our team line up is as follows:

C0-Owners: The FATHER, SON, and HOLY GHOST

Manager - George W. Bush
Asst. Manager - #### Cheney
Head Coach - Colin Powell
Asst&#39; Coach - Donald Rumsfeld
Starting Pitcher - Norman Schwartzkoff
1st Base - U.S. Marine Corps
2nd Base - U.S. Navy
3rd Base - U.S. Air Force
Shortstop and Clean up hitter - U.S. Army
Outfield - Firemen and Policemen
Umpire - None required *
* remember - the manager told you there&#39;ll be no discussion; no negotiation; and you didn&#39;t want rules, anyway!

Pinch hitters as needed -
U.S. Navy Seals
U.S. Army Green Berets
U.S. Army Rangers
U.S. Air Force PJs
Delta Force

And, since there are no rules, we&#39;ve decided to add:
4th Base - United Kingdom
5th Base - Russia
6th Base - China
Other Bases (as desired) - Pakistan, Japan, Germany. France, Spain, Italy, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Eqypt, Turkistan and lots of other....Stans, and more.

Opening ceremonies:
Vocal 1: Celine Dion - The Star Spangled Banner
Vocal 2 : Lee Greenwood - God Bless The U.S.A
Vocal 3: Bruce Springsteen - Born In The U.S.A.
Vocal 4: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Battle Hymn of the Republic

You may choose whoever you want for your team... it won&#39;t really matter (even if you all shave), our guys are gonna win!

Sincerely,

On behalf of the 270,000,000 citizens of the United States of America

p.s. May we recommend at this time that you give your soul to Allah; because your butt is OURS!!!!! Goodbye literally.

No offense to any clinton supporters............

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton... *

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

Two construction workers were sitting in a bar one day, drinking a few beers. The bartender noticed that they were intent on something on their table, but couldn&#39;t see what it was. Suddenly, both men jumped up, high-fived each other, and shouted, "Fifty-five!" Curious, the bartender went over to see what they were doing. "Did somebody win a bet?" he asked.

One of the construction workers replied, "No, but we
stopped at Toys R Us on the way over and got a puzzle. It
says right on the box &#39;2 to 4 years,&#39; but we got it done in fifty-five minutes!"

What is a sonofa#####?
Quite often we ask ourselves hard-to-answer questions, like, "What is a sonofa#####?"

And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms and inconsistent sophism that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in midst of a deactivation. The guy behind him, well, he&#39;s a sonofa#####...

Adam and Eve *

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.
"Adam."
"That&#39;s correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.
"Where did Adam and Eve live?"
"Eden."
That&#39;s correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, I&#39;ll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"
"Mmm, that IS a hard one."
"Enter."

q. what does bin laden and fred flintstone have in common?

a.they both can look out their windows and see RUBBLE

What is the differance between christmas and afghanistan? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * chrismas will be here in december

Women - Which Floor Would You Pick??

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five-story hotel with a sign that read, "For Women Only." Since they were without their boyfriends, they decided to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have
5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking
for, you can stay there. It&#39;s easy to decide, since each floor has signs
telling you what&#39;s inside."


So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men
here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and, without hesitation, move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn&#39;t going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."

This was good, but there were still two more floors.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect: "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."

The women seemed pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor had to offer before they settled for the fourth.

When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."

I&#39;m sorry but I had to put a non joke post here.

I LAUGHED SO HARD WHEN I READ THE GOERGE W. AND THE 3 BUTTON JOKE THAT I GOT KICKED OUT OF CLASS. IT WAS WORTH IT. * http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif *http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif *http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif *: *I hope some of you think thats funny too cause I do.

Two red necks, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple bottles of BUD.
The passenger Bubba said, Looky there up a head, Earl it&#39;s a poll-ice road block!! Were gona geet busted for drink&#39;in these here beers!!
Don&#39;t worry there Bubba, Earl said.
We&#39;ll just pull over here and finish drink&#39;in our beers and peel of the labels and stick them on our fore heads and stuff them there bottles under our seats

What fer ashed Bubba?!!
just let me do da talkin OK, said Earl
Well they finished there beers,placed the bottles under the seat and put the labels on there foreheads.
When they pulled up to the road block the police officer asked
" have either of you been drinking"?
No sir said Earl, Were on the patch.....

Did you hear on the news about the old lady who got kicked off a flight for having knitting needles and wool?













They were afraid she was going to knit an Afgan http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tounge.gif

did you hear that bin laden killed all of his wives recently?






















He pulled down their panties and all he seen was Bush.... http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tounge.gif

HA HA HA HA!

It sounds like GM Engineers.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work
in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists
spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that
writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on
almost any surface including glass, and at temperatures
ranging from below freezing to over 300C. The Russians
used a pencil.

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can&#039;t think
of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t
$end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

the united states has captured osama bin laden.
u.s. planes sprayed afghanistan with viagra and the little ###### popped right up.

a blonde walks into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for rectum deodorant. the pharmacist a little bemused assured the lady they have none and never have. the blonde says she has been buying it at this store on a regular basis and would like some now. i am sorry but unless you have the box it came in i cannot help you the pharmacist replied. the blonde said i have the box at home and i will be right back. she returns and hands the box to the pharmacist who looks at it, he says this is just underarm deodorant. annoyed the blonde snatches the box back and she reads out loud from the container.

TO APPLY PUSH UP BOTTOM ! ;)

A man goes to the horse races on Saturday and is amazed to see a priest there praying over a horse before the races begin.
So the man writes down on a piece of paper the name of the horse that the priest just prayed over and decided to watch the race.............to the man&#039;s amazement the horse places first!!!!

So for the next two months the man decides to bet on each and every horse that the priest prays over. Sure enough the man starts to win but only conservatively.

The man decides to take out his retirement and all his savings thinking that he could retire if he wins the pot.

The man goes to the race track and once again bets on the horse that the priest prays over but this time that horse comes in dead last.

The man goes up to the priest and say&#039;s "Father I have placed bets on every horse that you have prayed over but this time the horse you have prayed for came in last race and I have lost a fortune.

The priest looks at the man and say&#039;s "son the horse I was giving the last rights too.

Moses, Jesus and an old man were golfing one day. They came to the 9th hole, which was a 150yrd island green. * * * * * * *
* * * * Moses tees off first. His ball goes into the water. He parts the water and chips onto the green and into the cup.
* * * * Jesus is next. His ball goes into the water too. He walks on the water and chips into the hole.
* * * * The old man is next. His ball falls into the water as well, where it is swallowed by a fish. An eagle flying overhead sees the fish and swipes it out of the water. As the eagle is flying with the fish, the fish spits the ball out and it lands in the hole for a hole-in-one.
* * * * *Jesus turns to the old man and says "Dad I wish you&#039;d quit fooling around and just play golf." http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif *:D

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel&#039;s butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, &#039;Hey, look at the two a$$holes on that camel.&#039;"

How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?

















He marks the camels that kick.

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That&#039;s three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I&#039;m a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie&#039;s eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie&#039;s eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I&#039;m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it&#039;s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it&#039;s virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

Two buddies are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly John throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"
*Tony says, "Don&#039;t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get
even drunker.
Eventually John rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a hard time. * "You reek of alcohol and you&#039;ve puked all over yourself! My God, you&#039;re disgusting!"
*Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says: "Nowainaminit, I can e&#039;splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. * But this other guy got sick on me... he&#039;d had one too many and he just couldn&#039;t hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an&#039; gave me $20 bucks for the cleaning *bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says: "But this is forty bucks."
*"Oh, yeah... I almos&#039; forgot" says John, "he pooped in my pants, too!"

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I&#039;m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He ]told me to get off the plane or he&#039;d kick my ###."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, &#039;Boy, are you gonna jump or not?&#039;
"I said, &#039;No, sir. I&#039;m too scared.&#039;"
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his ###### out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
"He said, &#039;Boy, either you jump out that door, or I&#039;m sticking this little baby up your ###.&#039;"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first..."

Samuel went to confession and told the priest, "Father, I&#039;m
70 years old, married with four kids and 11 grandchildren,
and last night I had an affair. I made love to two
18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
"My son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
the priest asked.
"Never, Father. I&#039;m Jewish."
"Well, then, why are you telling me?"

"I&#039;m telling everybody!"

A Fourth For Golf

Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn&#039;t show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman.
The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don&#039;t care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don&#039;t try to coach me on my game".

The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ### as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle.

She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I&#039;ve never shot par before, and I&#039;m going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a hummer he will never forget. "

The guys think, &#039;what a deal!&#039; The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don&#039;t listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."

Grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over and picks up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That&#039;s a Gimme."

This would be more for the Canadians. No offense to anyone though.

haha

signs you have grown up

1. your potted plants are alive and you cannot smoke a single one of them.
2. you think having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
3. you have more food in the fridge than beer.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up not when you go to bed.
5. you hear your favorite song on the elevator.
6. you carry an umbrella.
7. your friends get married and divorced not hooked up or break up.
8. you go from 130 days of vacation to 7 days.
9. jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as dressed up.
10. you are the one calling the police because the neighbour is playing his stereo to loud.
11. older relatives are comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. your car insurance goes down, but the car payments go up.
13. you feed your dog science diet instead of mcdonalds.
14. a $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer pretty good stuff.

Ever wanted to know what will happen to Bin Laden once they catch him?

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he knew if Viagra actually works.
the pharmacist says, "Why, yes, it does."
The man says, "Can you get it over the counter?"
Pharmicist: "Well, maybe if I take two."

http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tounge.gif

There was a rooster and a cat standing along the edge of a river and there was a worm on the other side of the river. The cat said to the rooster, "let&#039;&#039;s have a contest to see who can jump across this river and eat that worm first!" The rooster said "ok, let&#039;&#039;s do it." The cat backed up a few steps, took off running, jumped, and SPLASH, right into the river he went. The rooster backed up, got a running start, jumped up, flapped his wings, and landed on the other side of the river. He then ate the worm, and said " Wow, now I&#039;&#039;m satisfied!"

The moral of this story is, for every satisfied c##k, there is a wet p###y! http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif

Success is ........

At age 4 *success is ... Not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is ... Having friends.
At age 16 success is ... Having a driver&#39;s licence.
At age 20 success is ... Having sex.
At age 35 success is ... Having Money.
At age 50 success is ... Having Money.
At age 60 success is ... Having sex.
At age 70 success is ... Having a driver&#39;s licence.
At age 75 success is ... Having friends.
At age 80 success is ... Not peeing in your pants.


http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif * http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forum/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif *:p

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age
Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it
goes.....

I decide to wash the car, start toward the garage and
notice the mail on the table.

OK, I&#39;m going to wash the car...

BUT FIRST I&#39;m going to go through the mail. Lay car
keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I
notice the trash can is full. OK, I&#39;ll just put the
bills on my desk....

BUT FIRST I&#39;ll take the trash out, but since I&#39;m going
to be near the mailbox, I&#39;ll address a few bills....
Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there&#39;s only
one check left. Where did I put the extra checks?
Oh, there&#39;s my empty plastic cup from last night on my
desk. I&#39;m going to look for those checks...

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I
head for the *kitchen, look out the window, notice the
flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the
counter and there&#39;s my extra pair of glasses on the
kitchen counter. *What are they doing here? I&#39;ll just
put them away...

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the
door and... *Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the
wrong spot. Okay, I&#39;ll put the remote away and water
the plants...

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: car not washed, bills still unpaid, cup
still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check
left, lost my car keys; and, when I *try to figure out
why nothing got done today, I&#39;m baffled because... I
KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! *I realize this condition is
serious... I&#39;d get help...

;)

How do they separate the men from the boys in the Greek navy?












With a crowbar.

An eskimo&#39;s snowmobile goes on the fritz. He takes it to a mechanic, who, after examining the vehicle, says, " I think you&#39;ve blown a seal," "Oh,. No, thats just a little ice on my mustache."

www.sillyfun.com/cmas/osamareindeer.htm

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO&#39;S HAD ENOUGH

1.) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it&#39;s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don&#39;t hear us #####ing about you leaving it down.
*

2.) ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color

3.) If you won&#39;t dress like the Victoria&#39;s Secret girls, don&#39;t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

4.) If you think you&#39;re fat, you probably are. Don&#39;t ask us. We refuse to answer.

5.) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

6.) If you ask a question you don&#39;t want an answer to, expect an answer you don&#39;t want to hear.

7.) Sometimes, we&#39;re not thinking about you. Live with it. Don&#39;t ask us what we&#39;re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.
*

8.) Sunday = Sports. It&#39;s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9.) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we&#39;re never going to think of it that way.

10.) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11.) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

12.) Crying is blackmail.

13.) Ask for what you want. Let&#39;s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don&#39;t work. Strong hints don&#39;t work. Really obvious hints don&#39;t work. Just say it!
*

14.) No, we don&#39;t know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.

15.) Peeing standing up is more difficult. We&#39;re bound to miss sometimes.

16.) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we&#39;d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
*

17.) Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

18.) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That&#39;s what we do.

19.) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

20.) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

21.) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it&#39;s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn&#39;t really matter what they&#39;re saying anyway.
*

22.) Check your oil.

23.) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

24.) No, it doesn&#39;t matter which quiz.

25.) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

26.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
*

27.) Let us ogle. We&#39;re going to look anyway; it&#39;s genetic.

28.) You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

29.) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

30.) If it itches, it will be scratched.

31.) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are *for you.

32.) If we ask what&#39;s wrong and you say *"nothing," *we will act like nothing&#39;s wrong. We know you&#39;re lying, but it&#39;s just not worth the hassle.

a pregnant lady comes out of a store and she is mugged and shot 3 times. about 5 months later she gives birth to 3 kids. 2 girls and 1 boy. the little girl comes up to her mom and says "mommy i just peed out a bullet" her mom says "oh its ok sweetie" and tells her daughter the story. the next little girl comes up to her mom and says "mommy i just peed out a bullet" her mom replies "its ok hunnie" and tell hers the story. the little boy comes up and says "mommy" and his mom said "oh its ok, i know what happened" and tells him the story. after his mom is finished he goes "no thats not it mommy, i was playing with myself and i shot the dog"

LOL!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?







Frostbite.

Why was Santa&#39;s little helper depressed?










Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?








Claustrophobic.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?








Snowflakes.

Stressed Out Santa

Santa was having a really bad day. "I CAN"T believe it!
I&#39;ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world
in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk,
my Elves are on strike and I don&#39;t even have a Christmas
tree! I sent that Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree
and he isn&#39;t even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and
stepped in dragging a Christmas tree.

He says: "Alright Santa, where do you want me to stick the
Christmas Tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the
Christmas trees came to pass.

in the old days a young lady was riding in a horse drawn buggy with her grandmother, it was cold and she said to her grandmother her hands were cold. grandma said just put them between my legs and soon the young lady had warm hands.

a few nights later the young lady was riding in a buggy with the young man she was being courted by. he complained it was cold and his hands cold were also, the young lady said just put your hands between my legs and soon his hands were warm.

the wise old grandmother could see the sparkle the young lady had in her eye for this young man she had been dating. so grandmother decided it was time to talk about the birds and the bees with the young girl. of course the topic of the ###### came up and the young girl said "grandmother you should see the mess a ###### makes when it thaws out" * :0

6 ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow:

* 1.Graphics arrive via FedEx.
* 2.You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup
* * *and it displays a week later.
* 3.Your credit card expires while ordering on-line.
* 4.Playboy web site exhibits &#39;Playmate of the year&#39;...
* * *for 1999.
* 5.You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
* 6.You click the &#39;Send&#39; button, a little door opens on
* * *the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Two Ukranians decide to go on a road trip across Canada. As they are driving through Saskatchewan, down the highway, the one ukrainian yells STOP!!! The driver slams on the brakes and pulls over to the side of the road. The passenger jumps out in a panic, runs down the ditch and picks up a used condom. He gets back in the truck and says "Hey look! I found a lost cow udder, there must be a reward." So they proceed to the nearest farmhouse with the lost cow udder. They knock on the farmers door and when the farmer answered they ask if any of his cows are missing an udder. Puzzeled, the farmer asks what they are talking about. The ukrainian pulls out the condom and asks if there is a reward. The farmer, just wanting these strange guys to go away, gives the one ukrainian $5 and tells them to put the "cow udder" in the garbage. Happy as can be, the two ukrainians venture on there way. A little way down the road the one says"What a sucker, $5 for a lost cow udder, ha, and I drank all the milk from it " *http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif *http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

how do rednecks practice safe sex ?
















they mark the sheep that kick. *http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif

Thats pretty good paul! LOL.... Check this out.




You know you&#39;re really broke when............






American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You&#39;re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You&#39;ve rolled so many pennies, you&#39;ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don&#39;t call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struther&#39;s sends you food.

McDonald&#39;s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

At communion you go back for seconds.

You wash your toilet paper.

You have to save up to be poor.

You&#39;re in college.

On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

You owe yourself money.

You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif *http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif *http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif *http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

jwheeler,
*i started out in life with nothing and i still have most of it left. *http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

HA HA HA thats good paul!!!


So, how do you tell if your throwing a successful, kick-ass, party?

Festivity Level One

Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.


Festivity Level Two

Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."



Festivity Level Three

Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples&#39; drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can&#39;t Get No Satisfaction".


Festivity Level Four

Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing. Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don&#39;t want your parties operating above Level Three.

that&#39;s good. lol
*have you ever went to a restaurant and when the waitress asks what she can get for you, you say turtle soup and make it snappy ?

OK paul one more i dont know what corey will think but here goes!!!



The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It&#39;s rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.



The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper&#39;s tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn&#39;t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....



The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle&#39;s heat shield. Also makes your Butt look like "a Japanese Flag".



The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you&#39;ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!



The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.



The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you&#39;ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you&#39;ve got some Vaseline to help you get through it.



The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.



The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.



The Cling-On Dump

You&#39;ve finished but there&#39;s one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bugger just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......



The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn&#39;t enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.



The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you&#39;ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....



The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don&#39;t, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

LOL the houdini dump is the best. *http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

A man is walking up from the lake with his pale of fish. *Half way up he&#39;s stopped by a game warden who asked to see his fishing permit for catching all those fish. I didn&#39;t catch these fish sir,...the man reply&#39;s. *They&#39;re my pets. *I have that cabin over by the cliff and every night I bring my fish down for a swim in the lake, then I just clap twice and they come right back. *Sure, sure, say&#39;s the warden. *No,really! say&#39;s the man. *If you want I&#39;ll show you. *This I gotta see claims the warden. *So they go to the edge of the dock and dump the fish in. *Some time passes and the warden asks, "well?"..... Well what says the man. *"aren&#39;t you gonna call them back?" ..... Call who back?....."THE FISH!"......What fish? http://www.snowmobileworld.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

A man comes home from work at the pickle factory where he has worked for 20 years.
He says to his wife I got fired today
His wife says what for,you&#39;ve woked there for 20 years with no problems.
He says,today I did something I&#39;ve always wanted to do,I stuck my pecker in the pickle slicer.
She gasps and pulls down his drawers and sees nothing amiss
so she says, well what happened to the pickle slicer?
He says,oh they fired her too.

cop jokes
Here&#39;s one

State Trooper stops a SYT (Sweet Young Thing), with one in the passenger seat, and asks for her license. Turning on her charm and a radiant smile, the SYT says, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but if you&#39;ll let me off with a verbal warning, I&#39;ll buy some tickets to the Troopers Ball."

Trooper says, "Troopers don&#39;t have balls, ma&#39;m."

Dead silence for 5 seconds.

Trooper shakes his head, hands license back to the SYT, and walks back to his car and drives off. (this is supposed to be true so just makes it better)


Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation


10. Every Tuesday he insists it&#39;s his turn to be the siren.
9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he&#39;d look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

another cop joke


So a suburbanite goes fishing one weekend. He puts on ratty clothes and a stinky hat. He hops in his old beaten up ford pickup and goes down to the ocean, fishes and is on his way home.

He gets going a little fast and dosent see the cop behind the hill. He gets pulled over.

The cop approaches and says "sir, do you know how fast you were going?" to which the man replies "no, werent you paying attention either?" to lighten the mood, hoping to get off with a warning.

"Dont get smart with me you bum" he scowls in retort. "You worthless piece of ####, telling me how to do my job, why dont you get a job yourself you bum!"

The man is taken aback a bit at the misinterpretation of his remark. He replies "I have a job sir" The cop replies "Yeah what do you do, spit wash windshields at traffic lights?"

At this point the guy is a little pissed and says "No, I&#39;m a rectum strecher" The cop is silent. "I take two fingers and work them in. Then I get one fist in then another." The cop is stunned "finally, I get the two sides spread out about 6 feet. Its really cool to watch." After a moment the cop comes back with "What do you do with a six foot #######?"

to which the gentleman replies "I dont know, I guess you could give him a radar gun and stick him on the side of the road behind a hill."

Never make fun of old people !!!

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud
rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can&#39;t you just let me have the
two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up
and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the
exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don&#39;t stand
a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young
rooster has closed the gap.

He is already about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front
porch when he sees the roosters running by.
He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!

He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly
shakes his head and says, "Dammit......... third gay rooster
I bought this month."

Top 15 Signs You Live In The &#39;00s

15- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
14- You haven&#39;t played solitaire with real cards in years.
13- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
12- You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
11- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
10- You&#39;ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
9- Your company&#39;s welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
8- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
7- Your biggest loss from a system crash was all of your best jokes.
6- Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
5- Board members&#39; salaries are higher than all the Third World countries&#39; annual budgets combined.
4- Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
3- Your supervisor gets a brand new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
2- There&#39;s no money in the budget for the five permanent employees your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss&#39; boss on strategy.
And the clincher is:
1- You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling

a guy goes into a pet shop and notices a parrot with no feet or legs sitting on a perch. he says i wonder what happened to that parrot ? *the parrot answers i was born this way. the guy was surprised and couldn&#39;t believe the parrot answered, he said you understood me to the parrot. the parrot answered back; i understand every word. the guy said if you are so intelligent then answer this--how do you hang onto your perch without any feet ? the parrot answers; i wrap my willie around the wooden bar but you cannot see it for my feathers. the parrot goes on and says he would make a great companion that the guy should buy him. so the guy buys the parrot, weeks go by the parrot is sensational and is a great friend. one day when the guy gets home from work the parrot motions him over and says i don&#39;t know if i should tell you this or not but it is about your wife and the postman. the guy asked what is it ? the parrot answered that when the postman delivered today the guys wife greeted the postman in a shear black nighty and kissed him passionately. the guy asked what happened next ? the parrot answered that the postman came into the house, lifted her nighty and started rubbing her all over. the guy says, my god what happened next ? the parrot answered that the postman was rubbing her breasts too. the guy asked then what else happened ? the parrot said i don&#39;t know my willie got stiff and i fell on my head.