A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a
long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.
Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their
travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly
to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the
next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into
the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his
wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally
left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail
without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's
funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been
'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow
checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives
and friends. Upon reading the first message, she
fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw
the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is
as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here&#33http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/wink.gif

Shelly


That joke just cracks me up! http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

Phazerhater,
* * That was soooo fuunnnny. Great first post to read today. http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif
caleb

Oil Change Instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when
the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a
check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00.

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.

2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back
yard.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it

7) Place drain pan! under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.

12) Clean up mess.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Look for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

16) Beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug fr! om step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26)Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28)Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

30) Drink beer.

31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34)Throw wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
December (1992) in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40)Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43)! Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

44)Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during step 23.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Make bail.

50) Get car from impound yard.


Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $25.00
Total--$4,150.00
**** But you know the job was done right!****

How true is that eh guy!?LMAO http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/baaa.gif

P H... great one, and yes it is true... I just did that this past saturday. *Had to change the oil in three vehicles ( my silverado, my parent's chrysler and mercury).... the chrysler was easy, as was the silverado, but that darn mercury...whoever designed that four cylinder engine should have their fingers chopped off for putting the oil filter in such a god foresaken place.... ended up with exactly as *you said, scraped knuckles and a bruised forehead from banging my knuckles and smacking my head on the floor board..... which then in turn involved SEVERAL beers.... but good thing my girlfriend was around to test drive the car and take me down to the bar afterwards!!! *http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

Are you guys aware of Dark Sucker Theory?
Here is it--

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark
Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are
in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is
elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity
to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much
greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once
they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven
by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white
wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns
black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it.
If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle,
it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the
dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of
these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs
can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided
by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full,
it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable
Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction
from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch
an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem
as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through
clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore
it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just
below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light.
If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice
it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you
would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark
sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats
at the top. This is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you
were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet,
and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly
enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be
able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark
Sucker.

THEY REBUILT THE WTC TOWERS..

http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif Yeah........................what he said!!!! http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

PH that was a good one! i really like #35

Gotta squeeze this in before I hit the sack--


Snowmonkey is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Rocketman stops him and asks, "Hey Snowmonkey! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Snowmonkey.

"Oh!" exclaims Rocketman, "Good trade."

http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif If you only knew how true i would like that to be!!!!!!!



Only kidding......she is a magnificent woman!!!!! http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif *http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif

LMAO!! *That was a good one performancex! http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/baaa.gif

This one cracked me up.

One day a guy died and found himself in ####. As he was
wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a
demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in ####!"
"####'s not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a
*lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all
we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine
coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw
up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "####, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you
get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack,
roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well,
you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love
drugs! You don't mean . . ."
That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a
submarine. You can do all the drugs you
want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his
Situation, "I never realized #### was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

> INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
> > > > > Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK,
> > > > > who had moved to Texas from the East Coast: Recently,
> > > > > I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> > > > > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
> > > > > last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
> > > > > judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon,
> > > > > when the call came. I was assured by the other two
> > > > > judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
> > > > > that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
> > > > > free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
> > > > >
> > > > > Here are the scorecards from the event:
> > > > > _
> > > > > CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> > > > >
> > > > > JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
> > > > > Needs more beans.
> > > > >
> > > > > JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
> > > > > peppers.
> > > > >
> > > > > FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
> > > > > nose feels like have been snorting Drano. Everyone
> > > > > knows the routine by now get me more beer before I
> > > > > ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
> > > > > backbone is in
> > > > > the front part of my chest. I'm getting ####-faced
> > > > > from all the beer.
> > > > >
> > > > > CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> > > > > JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> > > > > Disappointing.
> > > > >
> > > > > JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
> > > > > dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
> > > > > chili.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
> > > > > was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout
> > > > > taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
> > > > > with fresh refills; that woman is starting to
> > > > > look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
> > > > > chili an aphrodisiac?
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> > > > >
> > > > > JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> > > > > freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
> > > > > Impressive.
> > > > >
> > > > > JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more
> > > > > tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
> > > > > statement.
> > > > >
> > > > > FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
> > > > > forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
> > > > > and four people behind me needed paramedics. The>
> > > > > contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> > > > > chili had given
> > > > > me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
> > > > > by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I
> > > > > wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really makes >>>> * * * me mad that the other judges asked me to stop
> > > > > screaming. Screw those rednecks!
> > > > >
> > > > > _
> > > > > CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> > > > >
> > > > > JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> > > > > Good balance of spice and peppers.
> > > > >
> > > > > JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> > > > > onions, and garlic Superb.
> > > > >
> > > > > FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
> > > > > with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I #### myself when I
> > > > > farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
> > > > > No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> > > > > woman Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought.
> > > > > Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ### with
> > > > > a snow cone!
> > > > > _
> > > > > CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> > > > >
> > > > > JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
> > > > > canned peppers.
> > > > >
> > > > > JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> > > > > threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
> > > > > I should take note that I am worried about Judge
> > > > > Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
> > > > > is cursing uncontrollably.
> > > > >
> > > > > FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
> > > > > pin, and I wouldn't feel a #### thing. I've lost
> > > > > sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
> > > > > made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
> > > > > which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
> > > > > full of lava-like #### to match my #### shirt. At
> > > > > least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
> > > > > I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
> > > > > Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
> > > > > need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
> > > > > in my stomach.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > CHILI # 8 TOM'S HOTTER THAN A TEXAS SUMMER CHILI
> > > > >
> > > > > JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
> > > > > chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
> > > > > declare it's existence.
> > > > >
> > > > > JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
> > > > > Neither mild or hot Sorry to see that most of it
> > > > > was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and
> > > > > pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
> > > > > if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd
> > > > > have reacted to a really hot chili



Last edited by Snow Monkey at May 05, 2002, 2:53pm

Hey 007,I think I've been frank before. *http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

funny pic

haha great pic iv got some funny ones *im gonna have to find them

That pic of the hot dogs looks like more than 102 KBs to me.LOL

Great pic perfx http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/thumbs-up.gif *http://www.snowmobileworld-s2.com/forums/iB_html/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif

http://www.dtig.de/whatswrong/

this is entertaining

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend,
"I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of
inflation, and both of these together are putting me into
a deep depression."

This is a little long but a good read. My wife even got a chuckle out of it.

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. *When men notice this, they should try not to yell. *Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. *She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I
noticed that she was beginning to show her age. *I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. *Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour
or so before she starts supper. *I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. *I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. *I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. *I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. *I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. *When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. *I don't make a big
issue of this. *As long as she finishes up the laundry the *next evening I am willing to overlook it. *Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This *gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things
like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. *Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. *Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. * For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. *In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. *I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. *That way she won't have to rush so much. *I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. *A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. *I *overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. *In fact, I try
to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. *I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. *I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. *I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. *I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. *Many men will find it difficult. *Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get
older. * My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. *I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.

However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.