A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

thats good :D Check this one out, i heared this a few years ago and its one of my faves that i always tell.



A woman was very upset over not having a date in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a partner. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crowes and you crawl real fass away from me acros the froor".

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "Rady you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor what exactly is Zachary Disease, and he replied, "Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY rike your a$$!" :D :D



Last edited by jwheeler at Oct 24 2002, 05:04 PM

Nice ones lads!! jwheeler, that is a definate classic :D

Ah grasshopper,I too have heard of zachery's disease :p

HAHAHA :D okay heres one I'll try to keep it clean
A women goes to the gynacoligist (can't spell) while he's checking her he whistles man you got a big hole as he checks her he says this three more times with astonishment when she gets home she wanted to see for her self so she puts a big mirror on the floor and lifs her skirt up and steps over it just as she gets into position her husband walks in the door and says what are you doing, she explains what the doc said and that she wanted to see for herself he says "ya well watch you dont' fall into that big friggen hole in the floor" :D

ha ha ha i heared that before :D

those are great :D

another,

a woman was wiping a cloth on her breasts when her husband walked into the room, he asks what are you doing ? the woman answered this is a special cloth to make them larger and the husbands response was use toilet paper because look what it did to your butt.

a fellow was teeing off when he noticed a funeral procession passing by, he immediately stopped mid swing put his golf club down and took his hat to his chest and bowed in honour of the procession. when the cars finished passing by he put his cap back on and the rest of his foursome congratulated him for his respect to the dead. the fellow said he should be because he was married to her for 35 years.

A 40 year old woman comes home from a breat exam and says to her husband, "The doctor told me that I have the breast's of a 20 year old" He reply's " We'll what did he say about your 40 year old asss?" She looks at him an say's " Your name didn't come up once, why?"

I like that one indy!
Ryan

Nice ones, all of them.
However, I still prefer Pokey the Penguin (http://bajs.org/pokey)! :)

And here some from another one of my favourites (http://www.rinkworks.com/jokes/):

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

(Yes, I know. I like bad jokes)

A Indian cheif goes in to the general store and says to the clerk, "Me needum toilet paper" Clerk grab's a 4 pack of charmen and says it 3.00 for the pack. The chief looks at it and says, "Too much". Well the clerk reply's "I got some no name stuff for .99 a 12 pack" Chief says, "Me takum" A week goes by and the Chief comes back into the store and tells the clerk he has a name for the no name toilet paper. Clerk asks what's that? John Wayne the Chief reply's. Clerk askes why John Wayne? Chief says, "John Wayne rough, John Wayne tough and John Wayne no take Sh*t off Indian"

Nico, you're such a dork.

This is funny-- http://www.teamhouse.tni.net/stickpeople1.html

:devil:

A female police officer pulls over a man for no apparent reason, and explains to him:

"Sir, anything you say can be held against you"

The man replies: "T1ts".

Two VERY old men decide since they haven't had sex in 30 years.. to go and visit a brothal.

They walk into the brothal and look around for some nice ladies. The woman in charge looks at them and sees instant law suit.. they being old and all.

The woman then decides to find 2 separate rooms with no shades over the windows, and to put a blowup doll in each, hoping they won't know the difference.

The 2 go to their respected rooms and spend an hour each with the ladies (dolls).

They both finish up and start walking home.

The 1 man says to the other... gee.. my girl was sooo quiet, she didn't say a word through the whole ordeal!!

The 2nd man says.. yeah!.. well I think mine was a witch!.. I started nibbling on her breasts.. and she farted and flew out the window!!

look what I started

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.


:p

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat the bas**rd to death with the chair."

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named
Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a
pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt,
and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain
led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the
triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why
did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack,
the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would
continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly
man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted
not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew
stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his
usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada
arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly
shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? The 1960 hide and go seek champion.

One day, Bob went golfing with George,and when he got home,he was very upset,and his wife asked him what was the matter,he replied"dear it was terrible,on #12,George had a fatal heart attack",oh my lord,thats awful" she replied,he said"yeah,tell me about it,hit the ball drag George,hit the ball drag George!"

another day the pastor of our congregation was giving a seminar to the women in the congregation on sexual relations in the marriage,but being embarassed,he told his wife that it was a talk about sailing,the next week a young woman approched his wife and told her how much she enjoyed the seminar,to which his wife replied,"well I'm relieved to hear it went well,because he's only done it twice,the 1st time he got sick,and the 2nd time his hat blew off."


SWRules