[DanR]

A 75-year-old man went to see his doctor to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a capped jar and said,
'Take this home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.'

The next day, the 75-year-old man turns up at the doctor’s clinic and gives him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained:

'Well doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but again, nothing happened. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing happened. Then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out and still nothing. Would you believe, we even asked the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but still, nothing!'

The doctor was shocked: 'You asked your neighbour?!!'

The old man said: 'Yup, but no matter how we tried,
we couldn’t get the bloomin’ jar open!'

 

[paul yarek]

why is there no work in newfoundland ?
































the works all done bye !

 

[Snowdust]

NINE MONTHS LATER
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's Minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive
lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a
great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack received a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow woman that let us sleep in her barn on our ski holiday up north?"

"Yes, I do."

 "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

 

[paul yarek]

a man was golfing and hit his ball into the woods, as he was looking for his ball a little angel popped into the picture and asked him how much he liked the game. the man said i love the game but i am a terrible golfer and would like to be a better one. the angel said i can help you be better but your love life will suffer and the man said who cares i would like to be a better golfer.
so then he went on winning tours and championships in the golf world. then one day he hit the ball into the woods again, he thought this seems to familiar and then the angel appeared. the angel asked how has your game been ? the man answered "fantastic" and went on tooting his horn about his accomplishments. the angel stopped him and asked how his love life had been during his glorious days of golf. the man answered oh once or twice a week. the angel said see i told you your love life would suffer and the man answered yes but it's not bad for a preist in a small town.

 

[catrules2000]

Three Buttons

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.
After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.

Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!"
George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan??"

 

[catrules2000]

Dear Taliban

Dear Taliban, Mr. bin Laden, Mr. Arafat, and Mr, Hussein, et al:

We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your challenge to an old fashioned game of Whoop-###. Now that we understand the rule that there are no rules, we look forward to playing without them for the first time. Since this game is winner- take-all, we unfortunately will be unable to invite you to join us at the victory celebration. But rest assured that we will toast you -- LITERALLY.

While we will admit that you are off to an impresive lead, it is, however, now our turn at the plate. By the way, we will be playing on your diamond now... Batter up!

Our team line up is as follows:

C0-Owners: The FATHER, SON, and HOLY GHOST

Manager - George W. Bush
Asst. Manager - #### Cheney
Head Coach - Colin Powell
Asst' Coach - Donald Rumsfeld
Starting Pitcher - Norman Schwartzkoff
1st Base - U.S. Marine Corps
2nd Base - U.S. Navy
3rd Base - U.S. Air Force
Shortstop and Clean up hitter - U.S. Army
Outfield - Firemen and Policemen
Umpire - None required *
* remember - the manager told you there'll be no discussion; no negotiation; and you didn't want rules, anyway!

Pinch hitters as needed -
U.S. Navy Seals
U.S. Army Green Berets
U.S. Army Rangers
U.S. Air Force PJs
Delta Force

And, since there are no rules, we've decided to add:
4th Base - United Kingdom
5th Base - Russia
6th Base - China
Other Bases (as desired) - Pakistan, Japan, Germany. France, Spain, Italy, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Eqypt, Turkistan and lots of other....Stans, and more.

Opening ceremonies:
Vocal 1: Celine Dion - The Star Spangled Banner
Vocal 2 : Lee Greenwood - God Bless The U.S.A
Vocal 3: Bruce Springsteen - Born In The U.S.A.
Vocal 4: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Battle Hymn of the Republic

You may choose whoever you want for your team... it won't really matter (even if you all shave), our guys are gonna win!

Sincerely,

On behalf of the 270,000,000 citizens of the United States of America

p.s. May we recommend at this time that you give your soul to Allah; because your butt is OURS!!!!! Goodbye literally.

 

[Steven Hohman]

No offense to any clinton supporters............

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton...  

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.
Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

 

[DanR]

Two construction workers were sitting in a bar one day, drinking a few beers. The bartender noticed that they were intent on something on their table, but couldn't see what it was. Suddenly, both men jumped up, high-fived each other, and shouted, "Fifty-five!" Curious, the bartender went over to see what they were doing. "Did somebody win a bet?" he asked.

One of the construction workers replied, "No, but we
stopped at Toys R Us on the way over and got a puzzle. It
says right on the box '2 to 4 years,' but we got it done in fifty-five minutes!"

 

[skidoomaster]

What is a sonofa#####?
Quite often we ask ourselves hard-to-answer questions, like, "What is a sonofa#####?"

And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms and inconsistent sophism that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in midst of a deactivation. The guy behind him, well, he's a sonofa#####...

 

[Steven Hohman]

Adam and Eve  

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.
"Adam."
"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.
"Where did Adam and Eve live?"
"Eden."
That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"
"Mmm, that IS a hard one."
"Enter."

 

[mike800z]

q. what does bin laden and fred flintstone have in common?

a.they both can look out their windows and see RUBBLE

 

[NHIcegator]

What is the differance between christmas and afghanistan?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             chrismas will be here in december

 

[newf]

Women - Which Floor Would You Pick??

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five-story hotel with a sign that read, "For Women Only." Since they were without their boyfriends, they decided to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have
5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking
for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs
telling you what's inside."


So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men
here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and, without hesitation, move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."

This was good, but there were still two more floors.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect: "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."

The women seemed pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor had to offer before they settled for the fourth.

When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."

 

[00EFI600ZR]

I'm sorry but I had to put a non joke post here.

I LAUGHED SO HARD WHEN I READ THE GOERGE W. AND THE 3 BUTTON JOKE THAT I GOT KICKED OUT OF CLASS. IT WAS WORTH IT.  

 

 

 :  I hope some of you think thats funny too cause I do.

 

[Guest]

Two red necks, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple bottles of BUD.
The passenger Bubba said, Looky there up a head, Earl it's a poll-ice road block!! Were gona geet busted for drink'in these here beers!!
Don't worry there Bubba, Earl said.
We'll just pull over here and finish drink'in our beers and peel of the labels and stick them on our fore heads and stuff them there bottles under our seats

What fer ashed Bubba?!!
just let me do da talkin OK, said Earl
Well they finished there beers,placed the bottles under the seat and put the labels on there foreheads.
When they pulled up to the road block the police officer asked
" have either of you been drinking"?
No sir said Earl, Were on the patch.....

 

[jwheeler]

Did you hear on the news about the old lady who got kicked off a flight for having knitting needles and wool?













They were afraid she was going to knit an Afgan

 

[jwheeler]

did you hear that bin laden killed all of his wives recently?






















He pulled down their panties and all he seen was Bush....

HA HA HA HA!

 

[skidoomaster]

It sounds like GM Engineers.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work
in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists
spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that
writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on
almost any surface including glass, and at temperatures
ranging from below freezing to over 300C. The Russians
used a pencil.

 

[skidoomaster]

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think
of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t
$end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

 

[paul yarek]

the united states has captured osama bin laden.
u.s. planes sprayed afghanistan with viagra and the little ###### popped right up.